San Franciso 2317AD
[S.F. Presidio Wine Bunker link]
NEWS ITEM
NEW SAN FRANCISCO – JUNE 21st, 2317 – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Archaeologists announced today new discoveries at the ‘Military Park’ site.
Vast quantities of wine were stored in massive underground bunkers before the 21st century nuclear war occurred.
“There are several competing theories as to why the former inhabitants went to such lengths to secure their wine,” says Dr. Y. Torrima, professor of pre-Armageddon studies at NSFU, “it’s a thrilling yet perplexing find. We have not found any other food commodity stored with as much attention and effort as wine.”
“The majority favor the idea that this beverage played an important ceremonial role in their everyday lives,” she said.
Dr. Torrima has stated that only a fraction of the site has been explored at this time, and that “the lack of a surviving site map from before the nuclear strikes” is hindering the speed with which they can excavate.
“Since the structure is underground and has no visible outline, we have to guess where to dig test pits. It really is frustrating at times.”
The Dr. continues “We also believe that the structures at the current water line extend below the surface of the bay, which lends credence to the thought that the water level was once about 100 feet lover than it is now. Perhaps there is some truth to the legends that Knob Island was once connected to the mainland, and was known as ‘Knob Hill’.
“Furthermore, the discovery of this site supports the Wisconsin Hypothesis put forward two years ago. After the discovery of the huge warehouses filled to the rafters with cheeses in the middle of the country, the explanation was floated that the war was a battle for food resources and took place primarily between this country and a country on the European continent called ‘France’, with which there are stories of heated conflicts over cheese, wine and culture.
“Purportedly, our country stockpiled it’s most valuable items in separate locations, to avoid the possibility that their enemies could gain control of all of them at the same time. It’s difficult to piece together an accurate picture and timeline since the French culture didn’t survive the conflict, and the country itself was reduced to ashes in the exchange…except for one curious example.” she said, in apparent reference to the Maginot site on the continent, where a similar bunker structure has been found, but contained no wine.
“Perhaps the inhabitants of France had depleted their supplies of wine and cheese and needed to invade. We probably won’t know the truth for some time yet, if ever.”
Asked what she thinks the next big find will be, Dr. Torrima replied “Stockpiles of berets and baguettes, I’d wager…”
NEWS ITEM
NEW SAN FRANCISCO – JUNE 21st, 2317 – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Archaeologists announced today new discoveries at the ‘Military Park’ site.
Vast quantities of wine were stored in massive underground bunkers before the 21st century nuclear war occurred.
“There are several competing theories as to why the former inhabitants went to such lengths to secure their wine,” says Dr. Y. Torrima, professor of pre-Armageddon studies at NSFU, “it’s a thrilling yet perplexing find. We have not found any other food commodity stored with as much attention and effort as wine.”
“The majority favor the idea that this beverage played an important ceremonial role in their everyday lives,” she said.
Dr. Torrima has stated that only a fraction of the site has been explored at this time, and that “the lack of a surviving site map from before the nuclear strikes” is hindering the speed with which they can excavate.
“Since the structure is underground and has no visible outline, we have to guess where to dig test pits. It really is frustrating at times.”
The Dr. continues “We also believe that the structures at the current water line extend below the surface of the bay, which lends credence to the thought that the water level was once about 100 feet lover than it is now. Perhaps there is some truth to the legends that Knob Island was once connected to the mainland, and was known as ‘Knob Hill’.
“Furthermore, the discovery of this site supports the Wisconsin Hypothesis put forward two years ago. After the discovery of the huge warehouses filled to the rafters with cheeses in the middle of the country, the explanation was floated that the war was a battle for food resources and took place primarily between this country and a country on the European continent called ‘France’, with which there are stories of heated conflicts over cheese, wine and culture.
“Purportedly, our country stockpiled it’s most valuable items in separate locations, to avoid the possibility that their enemies could gain control of all of them at the same time. It’s difficult to piece together an accurate picture and timeline since the French culture didn’t survive the conflict, and the country itself was reduced to ashes in the exchange…except for one curious example.” she said, in apparent reference to the Maginot site on the continent, where a similar bunker structure has been found, but contained no wine.
“Perhaps the inhabitants of France had depleted their supplies of wine and cheese and needed to invade. We probably won’t know the truth for some time yet, if ever.”
Asked what she thinks the next big find will be, Dr. Torrima replied “Stockpiles of berets and baguettes, I’d wager…”
posted by Anonymous at 9:10 AM
3 Comments:
Huge, you have a dark sense of humor that deserves greater cultivation. Funny, as I read the release it got me thinking about our own reconstruction of the past. What we know and what we think we know are probably pretty far apart.
I liked it! Do more!
You should have had them find a skeleton clutching a corkscrew in the bunker as well.
They could have speculated that the person died of thirst, unable to figure out how to use the corkscrew as they'd never seen anything but screwcaps...
Pretty funny post, hope it doesn't come to pass!
-Ross
Creative, perhaps, but far too dark.
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